10th December 2005 - Tube feeding through the nose

Zachary seems to hate the feeding tube that is stuck down his nose. I have to be honest and say I can't imagine I would like it very much so I don't really blame it. This morning at 4am he decided that he was hungry but made such a fuss that he yanked his tube out. Sometimes I feel sure that it is simply a reflex action but there are moments when I really think that he knows exactly what he wants and does not want. But that is daft surely. A babe that should be curled up in the womb who wants to do nothing but sleep all day and have a full tummy can't possibly be doing things like pulling his tubes out just to prove that he doesn't like it - could he? Well I could swear that he hates it and all I can say is Zachary get on and start eating without it then we can go home!

By breakfast when the wards started to get noisy and busy both Zachary and I were knackered. It is hard sleeping on a hospital ward at night during the day you would think it was impossible. Unless of course you are expressing milk every 4 hrs and trying to be a real Mummy even if it is surrounded by nurses and doctors, monitors and tubes. So when you are so tired you sleep despite the staff, other inmates, lights noise etc. In fact these days I am sure I could sleep in a circus tent mid performance. After I had eaten a couple of pieces of toast Zachary and I went back to sleep until his next feed.

The one thing about being here on the ward is that the nurses have a schedule in Zachary's file. In TCU the babies are put on a schedule. If you are asleep you normally get woken up to do your bit when necessary. In TCU the Mum's are encouraged to start to take care of their own babies. Strange really when you think that under normal circumstances a Mum would have her baby then within 24 hours be at home coping with all the babies needs ready or not. Here in Neonatal and TCU with a baby who has special medical or nursing needs for ages you are aware that the medical staff take care of a lot of the babies needs and you feel kind of superfluous to requirements. In TCU it is so nice that you can take on a more active role. A role which feels so natural to want to do. The one nice thing though is that now and then if you need the rest or want a break the staff will take over. This morning they left me to sleep and when I woke up Zachary was asleep so I took a shower.

I am getting used to being here now. Lots of people said they could not stay in TCU for more than a few days but I would stay here for as long as it took for Zachary to be ready to go home. It is more comfy than my bunk in beachouse and there I shared a teeny room with 4 people. Zachary fed on his own from the breast today for one whole feed with no top up. We have to have 48 hrs of feeds with no top up for him to be discharged. The one thing you can see from today's photographs is how many layers or clothes and blankets he has. Premature babies can't regulate their own body temperature and although the hospital wards are kept really warm he still needs the warmth of the Hot Cot and the layers. The Cot has a heated water bottle on its bottom to help him. He looks so snuggly and warm and today is sleeping so well. When he has days like this I realise that we will be going home soon and just know he will be fine.

11th December 2005 - Sunday - Zachary gets lots of visitors

Today was a really busy day. Mum arrived first just in time for Zachary's afternoon feed and hold which was really nice for her. She had brought him a new cardigan to put on. She has knitted a lovely cardigan in the baby cashmere wool. We changed his bedding, put a nice clean baby body on and then his new cardigan. Visiting hours for the hospital are in the afternoon and then the evening unless you are the spouse. In my case since I have no spouse I have listed my Mum as my next of kin and the person able to visit out of hours. The staff are all getting used to my Mum being here and also really good about the fact that sometimes she gets a lift from my Dad. rather than leave him in the coffee shop they sometimes let him come in early or stay a little later than normal visit hours. I know why the rules are there but its nice to know 5 - 10 mins now and then will not cause a huge problem.

Mum also managed to get an unusual photograph of Zachary being tube fed. Basically the tube has a tiny stopper on the end that is normally closed. When it is feeding time the first thing we do is check to see what is in his tummy. We use an empty syringe to draw from the tummy and check also the tube is in right. Then we place a syringe filled with the correct amount of feed into the stopper. Zachary has 140ml. The pressure creates a small vacuum which slowly lets the milk drain into the babies tummy. Once the syringe is empty you remove it then replace the stopper so that the milk does not come back up again. It is easy for the baby as he does not have to do anything but still gets a nice full tummy.

We let Zachary sleep for a little bit then Dad arrived with visitors. It was really exciting as the visitors were our french family. When I was about 9 or 10 we had a french girl called Sophie come to stay as an Exchange student. Sophie and I did not really ever get on that well but we adored each others family's an awful lot so over the next few years we visited each other for easter and summer holidays. I used to go to Paris to stay with Sophie and her Mum & Dad. Sophie would come and stay with us during the summer. We had some fantastic holidays and eventually when Sophie married we were guests of honor practically at her wedding in the South of France. It will always be remembered by my family as one of the best weddings we ever went to. Except for mine of course! LOL.

Sophie and her husband Thierry actually live in the Uk. Thierry works in Bristol and they have lived here for a few years now but her parents have never visited the UK so for them it is a big trip. They brought the kids with them and Grandmere who speaks no english at all. The staff were fantastic and even let the kids sneak a quick peak at Zachary. It was lovely to see the family and there were lots of cuddles and kisses going around. Sophie's Dad has always called me his english daughter which is so lovely. I felt so happy and loved to have all these people around me with Zachary. It was fantastic. I wanted them all to stay all day.

Contact with your baby in Neonatal care

I had a lovely day today which made me feel so good. I had a few tears last night and had a long talk with the night staff nurse. I had been feeling a little bit as if I was not allowed to pick Zachary up and that's actually quite hard. It is tough being so close to your baby but being constantly told by the staff not to disturb your baby and leave them alone. You know in your heart that they need this time to grow strong and big but you so desperately want to cuddle them and hold them close. It is been a tough few days because I feel as if I had more physical contact with Zachary in Intensive Care. In Nicu they are advocates of the Kangaroo care and would encourage you to hold and cuddle baby to you. Here in TCU I have been told to let him sleep in his bed. After his feed late last night I wanted to cuddle Zachary while I read him a story so I went and asked the nurse if it was ok. She joking said 'Oh no hold your baby - No you can't do that!' and I burst into tears. She was being sarcastic but when I got upset and explained how I felt she realised that it was getting to me and said she would put a note on the board that I should cuddle Zachary now and then. It is a strange feeling to have to ask permission to hold your child and maybe that also doesn't help how you feel but it is great that the staff know how you must feel and are completely sympathetic and willing to talk to you. I must say that my time here at Worcester has been made so much more bearable by some of the lovely staff Zachary and I have had helping us both through this experience. This last photograph is a rare one of Zachary with his eyes open.

12th December 2005 - Monday is wash day!

Zachary pulled his tube out three times today. 4am, 7am and 3pm. The night staff nurse said he is a little horror as he now seems to want to keep pulling it. He has little red patches on his cheeks where the tape keeps getting ripped off. Mum came this afternoon bringing all the washing. I see lots of the other Mum's husbands or partners come in with clean clothes, supplies for baby, treats etc and my Mum has been fantastic. Today she brought the DVD player the whole of the first series of 24, two box's of chocolates and three magazines. Dad popped in later on with another box of chocolates, a sudoku book, two bottles of iron-bru and a bottle of ribena. My family are great.

Zachary came out of his hot cot today but then his temperature dropped so we had to wrap more blankets around him. Eventually he sorted himself out which was good otherwise we would have to go back to the Hot Cot. I felt a bit frustrated and tearful later on especially when one of the auxiliary nursing staff told me to leave Zachary's cares to her for the evening. She was trying to be helpful but I felt quite tearful. The staff nurse suggested I go into postnatal and take a bath. The bath is fantastic. My sister-in-law Liz had bought some bath stuff by 'the Sanctuary - covent garden' which is my favourite so I loaded the bath full of that and soaked for a while. I must admit I did feel better afterwards.

13th December 2005 Tuesday - Back in the Hot Cot.

I feel much better today especially having sorted out the issue of contact. I do have little wobbles of emotion but I think that is natural under the circumstances. This is an experience that I do not think any expectant mother dreams about having to go through. It just isn't what you expect to happen. The hormone dive your body takes after birth and the stress on your body during this time can be hard enough to cope with and not all women feel great in that first week or so. To have to go through this experience on top of all those normal feelings is totally weird and really tough. I still wake up thinking wow I should still be pregnant. Christmas is around the corner and I was expecting to be at home managing the decorating of the tree from an armchair while the family waited on me. I was planning on writing my birth plan, packing my bag etc.

Ah well onwards and upwards. Zachary and I tried breast feeding today and I must say that damn expressing machine does wonders for toughing your nipples up. I heard some complete horror stories about cracked nipples and sore boobs but the machine doesn't cause that. If your nipple cracked so much bits fell apart would it grow back? There you go that's one for 'Jeeves'. Zachary had a bath this afternoon and the nurse told me that when we get home I should not bath him too much. Babies and toddlers have really thin skin compared to a full grown adult and too much bathing can strip their naturals oils away. The best thing is to bath them only once or twice a week and use olive oil as an after bath moisturiser rather than lots of baby lotions etc. Zachary is back in the Hot Cot for the night but we will try him out again tomorrow.

14th December 2005 - Premature baby knitting !

I had to take this mega cute picture of Zachary in a knitted Cardigan his Nain made for him. My mum is such a great knitter. So far she has knitted this little cardigan (still a little bit too big) and has just started a blue set with matching hat. Baby knitting patterns for premature babies are hard to find so Mum basically adapted her own knitting patterns. She is so clever. We are both very lucky to have her in our lives. You can see he still has his feeding tube in also the apnea alarm. He has moved quite happily from his incubator into what they call a hot cot. It has a heated water bed as a base to keep him nice and cosy.

He stays sleeping on this until he can regulate his temperature better on his own. His temperature is checked every 3 hours using a small thermometer under his arm by an on duty sister when he has his feed. He is still mostly tube feb although we are keeping a chart of how many times he feeds on his own compared to his tube feeds. I wonder if Premature babies get a little lazy. Lets face it being fed straight into your tummy is really easy. I just hope there are no side effects. I worry a little bit about the fact that he is still sick after his feeds. Maybe I am only worrying because I am so tired though. Its a miracle I can sleep at all with all the noise there is around the ward at night. No wonder people do not want to be incarcerated in here any longer than they need to be. I guess for me right now its a choice between us being here together and me just coping with being stuck in hospital and him being here alone with me at Mum's being stuck waiting for lifts. I have no transport right now so that is also a problem I would face. No I would rather suffer the heatwave and noise on the ward. I would do anything for my baby boy right now. I can't help him medically so the least I can do is be near him even if I don't get to touch him very much. Ok feeling tearful just thinking about it so will go and take a shower and clean up.

15th December 2005 - feeding without a tube is ticket out of neonatal

We learnt today that he has to stay in hospital until he can feed himself without a tube and keep feeding for over 24 hours. This photograph made me laugh because it shows just how engrossed in him. My life has taken a side seat while I am completely and utterly devoted to looking after him. I mean really a pale blue bra under a black top ! A fashion tragedy that I would never normally commit but clearly don't care a bit while he is my priority.

I have started to feel much better in myself too. The biggest difference has been having Zachary near me. I have had a few wobbles and had to talk to the staff about contact with my baby. Sometimes some of the staff really make you feel as if they can look after your baby better than you and I feel very pushed out. One in particular has a habit of pushing me aside and taking over or not waking me up to attend to him. I know they feel you need your sleep but at the same time if you were at home you would be looking after your own baby. You crave that. I can't wait to take him home and feel that he really is mine.

I cant help feeling this way and I know that the staff are doing their best to care for Zachary so he becomes fit and well to go home. Here he is in one of his beautiful little sleep suits and his two baby cashmere cardigans. The DK babysoft cashmere wool is not cheap but it is so nice. Really soft and warm. He will be the best knitted out boy on the block. I feel so loved and happy. Zachary was sick a bit today. I have noticed that he sicks up quite a bit after his feeds especially the afternoon feed as that is the one that his vitamin shots are in. The iron is awful it smells terrible so it probably tastes awful too.

16th December

This is Zachary's blue cashmere knitted set. It is so tiny. My Mum is so clever. I am so grateful to her for being my support while I am here in hospital. Mum is knackered but says she wants to keep on visiting. At the end of the day I am her baby and as I am learning Mum's will do just about anything for their babies its what we do. Without condition we love and love and give of ourselves for no other reason than our mummy's instinct to love, provide and protect.

My Mum has been fabulous through all this. She has been here every day despite the fact that she is working and has not been feeling too well. Part of it is knowing that I do not have a partner to support me and also partly out of her love for me and Zachary. My Dad says he feels as if it is like the story of the Prodigal Son in the bible. Here I am returning home after all these years of doing my own thing. Bringing this little blessing with me. Dog the Bounty Hunter (we love this program on SKY) would agree with my dad wholeheartedly. Zachary is such a lucky baby to be surrounded by so many people that love him and will alawys be there for him.

17th December - Visit from Great Grandparents 'O'Donnell Family'.

Four generations of the O'Donnell family. My grandfather Frank O'Donnell. My dad Anthony Frank O'Donnell. Me (Tonya Templar O'Donnell) and lastly but by no means least Zachary Anthony Templar O'Donnell. I gave him my dad's first name as his middle name as well as mine which I get from my mum. So he has lots of heritage tied into his name and should be really proud of it. It was so nice to see my grandparents today.

I am only sorry that my nana who has dementia cannot really understand what is going on. She does not really know who we all are most days which is a shame as she always looked forward to James and I have children so that she could be a great ganny and now after all this time she has two great grandchildren but does not even realise. I ate well today for the first time. Perhaps seeing family picked me up a bit and gave me some strength. Hospital food is not great but it isn't awful either and I get special treatment and extra portions now I am long term inmate !

18th December 2005 - SCBU Hot Cot and Mummy love

I love this photo. Happy mummy ! Zachary looks so tiny but I love that he is curled up near me. He still spends all day asleep and the majority of it wrapped up in his cot. Its hard sometimes when all I want to do is hold him and you are so aware that the staff discourage you from disturbing the babies too much that you feel almost despair at not being able to hold your baby whenever you want. It makes you want to hold them all the time. I can't wait to get home with him then I can cuddle him for longer ! That sounds awful doesn't it but really the staff are just concerned for the babies welfare more than anything.

20th December - Spock has his hearing test

All babies now have a hearing test when they are Newborn. This is Zachary all geared up ready for his test. Bless him he looks like something out of star trek. He passed on his right ear but failed the screen for his left ear which means he will be referred for a proper screening later on. I was told it isn't usually a problem as the initial screen test is not very sensitive. I am not worried he seems fine although obviously its hard to tell if he can see or hear properly because he isn't awake enough to tell. He is doing well though generally and feeding really well although he does tend to be sick a bit after his feeds poor mite.

25th December - Christmas Day and what a Gift!

Yahoo ! Cleared to go home! Can you believe it.... home for Christmas Day. What a wonderful surprise. What an amazing Christmas present. The best Christmas present ever ! All the staff are looking really festive and everyone says that they look after people that have to stay in hospital for Xmas really well but its better to be going home of course.

These days you are not allowed to leave hospital without an appropriate car safety seat. This is actually baby cousin Hope's seat borrowed specially for the trip home. James and Liz have allowed us to use it just to get home. At the moment I don't have a car so there is not much point in buying a car seat and besides Liz tells me that Hope will grow out of her one soon and that I can then borrow the seat until he is big enough for a dedicated one. His little going home outfit is Disney Baby from boots with Eeyore on it. Dad picked it. Its for 5lb babies and so tiny its simply gorgeous. Not as gorgeous as my baby boy though ! Anyway here we are all secured in and ready to leave. All his security tags have been removed and his identity tags are in my bag to go into his keepsake box.

Here we are at the gates to freedom ! Homeward bound at last. The staff at the hospital have all been wonderful but I am really looking forward to sleeping in my own bed, having a long bath and both Zachary and I started to settle into life together. Mum says she is sure we will thrive now we are going home. I am sure we will. To be honest all this has sort if ruined Christmas Day celebrations for the rest if the family in the traditional sense but I am sure given the circumstances they didn't mind one bit.

26th December 2005 - Home at last and Happy to be there

Here we are home and happy. While mummy went for a nice well deserved bubble bath Zachary settled down on his Taid's lap and promptly fell asleep. Followed fairly swiftly by his Taid. The two sleeping babies both snored their heads off for a good couple of hours bless them. He clearly loves being cuddled and it doesn't really seem to matter who's body he is cuddled up to as long as its warm, comfy and comes with kisses.