3rd December 2005

Receiving light photo therapy in his incubator Zachary looks really chilled out. I have cracked the expressing machine and am all set to provide him with all the milk he needs even if it is still down a tube. Bless him. I let him sleep today & caught up with some much needed rest myself. Its strange how disconnected from real life I feel shut up here inside hospital. I didn't sleep well last night. In fact I am not sleeping well atall. I wake up every hour or so in panic and sometimes I wake up still crying. I am obviously crying myself to sleep sometimes. I am waiting for the emotional shock and distress to wear off but it seems to be a constant state of perpetual being right now. My head doesn't know where it is. Irrational because i know he & I are fine I guess its just the situation. Mum & I took a quick trip into town to get some clothes that actually fit him. He is in size premature baby 5lb which are so cute & tiny. I think Mum felt that a bit of retail therapy might brighten me up.

The staff in Mothercare were so nice when we explained we were looking for 5lb Premature baby clothes. She did ask if the baby was ok which was sweet too. I felt really strange though quite guilty for leaving him there while I went around town shopping. I kept picturing a celebrity in the same position and the headline in the gossip mag 'celeb spotted crusing the town while baby struggles in Incubator' and all the people tut tutting when they read it.

4th December 2005

The shock sank in again last night & I had an awful 30 minutes in the shower this morning stood there in tears wracked with sobs. I think it was because as I got my breakfast I saw a mum arrive off maternity with her new baby crying and it just set me off. I eventually pulled myself together and dressed, put some slap on & went to neonatal. I got a big cuddle from the staff nurse who is a real old school style nurse and makes you feel like you are being really cared for. I got my first real cuddle with Zach too which was great. Perhaps the staff realised that I really needed some contact & maybe its good for him too. How happy do I look! He is wearing his own clothes today. P put him in some of the things we bought yesterday and looks so nice in blue. I can already see that he will have my skin tones, but that might be just my imagination. At the moment his skin is very translucent and of course the jaundice makes him look slightly yellow. You can still see that he is gorgeous despite all the tubing. I feel better now, I think being able to cuddle him helped. I have spent so much of the last few days riding this emotional rollercoaster of highs and lows. One thing I have noticed is how careful about infection the hospital staff are. You have to wash thoroughly and alcohol rub before handling any of the babies which is good really. You can see the staff using the alcohol rub every time they come back to see a baby. It's these small details that are helping me stay hinged I think at the moment otherwise I think I would just feel I was swimming in emotion unsure I could cope with such little sleep and all this strangeness. This just is not how you imagine the first few days with your baby to be.

5th December 2005 - shock sank in today and I cried in the shower

Mum & Dad came to visit while I was having my special mummy time visit so we took the opportunity to have a quick photo call. Zachary was lying on a pillow so we simply passed it onto my Dad's lap so he could have a photo taken with his grandson. He held his breath this morning when I first arrived in Nicu and set off all the alarms. I was asked to step out while the medical staff saw to him. It was a worrying moment which made me hold my breath. I felt as if my heart stopped beating until they signaled that he was ok. The doctor told him that he mustn't worry his mummy like that again.

I went back to postnatal and decided to take a shower. I stood in the shower and started to cry - again. I sobbed and sobbed until I was sure I couldn't cry any more. I stood at the door of the shower wiping my face with a flannel determined to pull it together and simply couldn't. I just kept collapsing into tears again. I ended up sat on the floor of this shower cubicle crying uncontrollably and rocking back and forth for what seemed like ages. Every time I told myself to stop and pull myself together I started again. I think the shock of the whole birth trauma, early labour, being here in hospital, having a premature baby who is inside an incubator just came crashing in on me and I couldn't stop it. I think I am exhausted too and really need to sleep. One of the senior midwifes came in and found me she suggested it was pourely exhaustion and all the shock plus the afterbirth hormones etc. She gave me some paracetamol and made me get into bed. I slept for most of the afternoon. I guess it all gets on top of you sometimes. I have also asked that the staff do not wake me up at 3 or 4 am to try and express milk because I just don't think that is helping. A good nights rest will do wonders for my head, my energy and probably for my milk flow which si apparently just about all I am useful for. Now I know how a dairy cow feels. Anyway depriving me of sleep right now is not helping anyone I don't care what the book says ! I had a wee falling out with one of the midwifes about it and told her to leave - pretty unpolitely actually poor woman. I had to go and apologise later on.

6th December 2005 - sun bed day again for jaundice

When I arrived this morning the nursing staff had Zachary chilled out under the sun bed again. To work on his jaundice. His colour looks so much better under the ultra light. He looked so relaxed and peaceful that I could not resist this photograph. I simply sat next to his incubator all day and read stories to him until it was so late I could hardly keep my eyes open. I am not sure he can really hear me or sunderstands what i happening but I like to think that even the sound of my voice is relaxing and reassuring to him. If nothing else it makes me feel I am doing something and maybe the sound of my own voice & just sitting their reading is also helping to calm me down. I stayed away yesterday as I didn't want him to pick up my emotional distress. You just don't know how tuned in they are to those feelings really but I was such a mess yesterday that I was sure if I had been there he would have felt my tears. Today I feel calmer - still emotional but calmer and the reading definately helped. I also feel like I could sleep really well.

Zachary's first bath

Shame that his first bath has to be in hospital and really for medical reasons but there you go. Zachary was born with thrush which apparently some babies can catch on passage through the birth canal - it has nothing to do with whether the mother is infected at that time. I was worried it was my fault but since I was cleared the doctors explained it just happens. Babies then get thrush all over their bodies. He has it behind his ears, between his legs, in his elbows and knees, around his neck and around his belly button. To help apart from a course of antibiotics the doctor suggested we bath him every day and put an anti-fungal powder on him.

His skin is a little sore and red bless him but he still seemed to love the bath. We filled the baby bath up to the middle with warm water -tested of course with the old elbow trick. Does that actually work? I couldn't help wonder why they didn't have a baby bath thermometer? We did not put any bath lotion or anything in the water. The staff nurse was ever so good and taught me how to swaddle him up and first wash his hair then how to unwrap him and gently wash his body. He has all this gorgeous soft downy hair on his head which looked so lovely all washed and clean. He also has some hair still on his body.

His belly button cord has still not fallen off yet so we had to wash around it very carefully. Strange that they simply cut it at birth and then let it simply die, go black, shrivel and drop off hopefully leaving a lovely belly button. He is so tiny that the bath looks enormous. I held him at the bottom of the bath so that he could feel the bottom of the bath under his feet and feel more secure. His eyes do not open very much so he kept his eyes closed and we did not wash his face but I could have sworn I saw him squirm with enjoyment. probably mummy being over imaginative but hey why not! It was such a joy to hold him and bath him. I don't think I have had this much physical contact with him since he was born six days ago. It was lovely. The nurse was so nice and let me do all the work. I think i would have found it hard to watch someone else bath him and me have to watch so I am grateful they feel that Mum's can do these things. I will be here every day from now on to bath him and cuddle him afterwards.

Bedtime Story

After his bath I went off and let him sleep and had some food. later on I went back to sit with him and read him a story. I read my favourite book 'The Pussy Cats Christmas' to him. The staff and other Mum's think its really funny but I noticed today that one of the other Mum's had brought a story book in to read to her baby. I think it's nice! The staff are used to the mums in here wanting to sit about all day and most of the time don't seem to mind. There we are all anxiety and exhausted and still sat there. At least I am lucky and only down the corridor. Some of the Mum's have to travel in every day. I would drive myself mad at home. I noticed last night as I was going to bed one of the Mum's was creeping into Neonatal. It was 1am. She said she couldn't sleep so decided to drive over. I am sure all these babies will never suffer from lack of love. It takes real love to want to do that. Anyway I am off to bed! No use to anyone if I am over exhausted.

8th December 2005 - The staff in neonatal are so kind to the babies.

I thought it would be interesting for everyone to see the room I am living in on the ward. I am allowed a bed in postnatal for 10 days. I am really not sure what will happen when that day comes. I really don't want to have to leave him here without me. It will drive me mad not being here to be able to see him whenever I can. When Liz & Mum brought all my bags over to the hospital they were thoughtful enough to bring my pillow from home and a blue fleece blanket. Home comforts that helped to make the hospital room slightly less alien and sterile. I am milking around 800ml a day now. More than enough for my wee man.

I like this photograph because when I arrived in Intensive Care this morning one of the nice nurses had cuddled Zachary up with the Steiff teddy that his Nain (Nana) had bought him. He looked so cute asleep and blissfully unaware that all around him people are working very hard to make him well so that he can come home with his mummy. Its nice to know that the nurses are so caring about the babies they look after.

9th December 2005 - Transitional Care Unit (TCU) and Hot Cot!

We have been told today that a place has been found for Zachary in Transitional Care. It means that I don't have to leave him in hospital. He leaves intensive care and we both move onto the TCU ward together. The best bit is that it means for the first time I get to have him next to me, with me all day and all night. Its wonderful news. A long stay in hospital is not exactly what I had planned for December but at the end of the day I would do anything for him. That includes putting up with a hospital bed. I have certainly stayed in better hotels but well the food is not that bad really !

Here he is having a nappy and clothes change. This photograph shows how thin his limbs are. Babies flesh out and put on weight in the last 4 weeks in the womb. Born 9 weeks early babies tend to be very scrawny looking. All head, feet, hands and curled up tight so its hard to see how long they actually are. I have reached a high on the milk front. 200ml this morning alone. One of those surreal moments came when I went down to NICU with Zachary's milk being congratulated and patted on the back by various nurses and midwifes as I walked down the corridor. Congratulations on the success of producing so much milk. Wow I used to have a brain, a career, now my life is reduced to how much milk I can express from my breasts. Surreal !

Today Zachary weighs 4lb and 4oz. It is great that he is gaining weight again. It is another one of those really important milestones in Neonatal care for premature babies. That golden prize of the weight at which they are allowed to leave the hospital as long as they are healthy and fit and feeding well or otherwise medically fit to be discharged and cared for at home. Zachary is lucky because even though he was born almost 10 weeks early he was quite big and I am sure his size has helped his progress.